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tl;dr wisdumb, science of snitching, and the state of the union volume two


continuing on from this post.

i feel the need to prefix this post with an insight into my moral fabric and belief system, which may shock and disturb some readers/fans/countrymen. i think there are a great deal of you who would actually agree with me in private, but i understand you have to be as brave as ron paul and as apathetic as honey badger in this crazy world we’re living in, get money.

i am going to be 30 this year. within my immediate generation, say, +/-6 revolutions around the sun, we have gotten to witness entire technologies (consumer and otherwise) that we grew up with (some of which at the time were huge game changers) live and die (and maybe get replaced) in only a handful of years. i honestly think that we are the first generation in history to experience this level of aggressive replacement, and within the next x years, we should be able to determine whether or not the next generation is going to usurp the title. for example:

the quick death of consumer communication devices -
cordless house phone -> numeric pager -> zach morris phone -> text pager -> tricked out nokia with blinky antenna and battery -> two-way pager -> sidekick -> blackberry -> iphone

i haven’t had a land line in over 10 years – i still had a two-way ~’03ish, but to make a quick point, this song (two-way freak) by three 6 mafia came out in 2001. the beat sampled the main “ringtone” on the two-ways we had (case mod different colors, clear, black, red, whatever) and the whole song is about a broad who is always bothering them memphis boys with “sexting” pre-texting.

the problem with the two-way pager is the cool factor of owning one was already out by the time most of the general public had heard of it. if i had a graph for the lifetime of fads in hiphop, i would say the two-way pager lasted slightly longer than iced out grills, but a moderate distance short of spinners.

the slow death of video formats in my lifetime:
betamax -> vhs -> laserdisc -> vcd -> dvd -> hddvd/bluray

some of these technologies just won’t die a quick death, but you get the picture. this shit applies to storage media, computing power, the dopeness of flatscreens, fucking everything.

in the top progression, think about the true leap in international infrastructure and design and programming and implementation from cordless house phone to iphone and then realize that ALL happened within a 30 year timespan. mindblowing.

it goes beyond purely an oversimplification of moore’s law (“‘technology gets exponentially more baller and shit with time.’ – carver mead” – michael scott) because technology has indirectly shaped everything from how we communicate with each other to our collective sense of humor. according to a bunch of smart people who write papers about stuff, my daughter and i are actually at opposite ends of the same generation. we both love adventure time and laugh at a lot of dumb internet memes together and marathon 5 second cat videos.

i had a friend that was in jail (among other things that kept him from internet) for about seven years who came to visit me. this video “shut up woman get on my horse” was freshly crusher hot off the presses. i was watching it and fucking died laughing. my friend sat there like :-|. fuck him, i still think it is hilarious, and most anyone from internet 2.0 thinks it’s hilarious.

let’s get back on topic – how does all this relate to snitching on your boys, etc.?

two quick caveats:
1. i am not, and have never been, a snitch. pull my street credit report, my net credit report, my case files, interview anyone i have worked with, friends, enemies, ex-lovers, stuffed animals, past and present. under 99%* of circumstances, i don’t advocate tattling on anyone to law enforcement because the potential long term consequences to that person’s life for whatever their offense might be can spiral out of control in the hands of the judicial system. i haven’t ever hated anyone to that extent.
* if 2012 jay-z came home from trader joe’s with his arms full of groceries and walked up to his front door only to find it flung wide open, his grammies and his belly dvd missing, and his living room covered in a sea of broken glass, what do you think he would do? would he drop the groceries on his cobblestone walkway, yank his cell phone from his rocawear jacket, furiously dialing bleek and freeway to “tool up, we dustin’ for prints/maybe the burglar left some evidence?” maybe 1988 jay-z would, but we are grown ass men now. i’m filing a police report and claiming it on my insurance, like a real boy.
2. i find that motive, intent, and context are so key to fully understanding a situation that they are inseparable from it. killing someone in cold blood is way different than killing someone to protect your family, just as stealing for a cheap thrill is different from stealing to feed your family. everything is justifiable in someone’s head as long as they have a good excuse, and everything is reprehensible to someone who has a good reason.

one of the greatest luxuries my generation stumbled into was the ability to completely interact with another human being using nothing but text. you can forge long lasting friendships, find the love of your life, discuss hobbies and interests – whatever – without ever even seeing their face or hearing their voice. they could be halfway across the globe, taking a massive, runny shit in their kitchen sink, and unless they expressly told you that’s where they were and what they were doing at the time, you would have no idea.

the flip side of that coin is they can also lie and tell you “hey i just filled my kitchen sink to the brim with human excrement p.s. i live inside a volcano in a secret lair guarded by killer norwegians” and it is your choice to believe them or not. it is your choice to pics or gtfo. it is your choice to talk to this person.

when breaking up with a significant other, what is the most chicken shit but low impact way to let them know you hate them and it is over?
a) in person
b) on the phone
c) some visual form of words from the english language

the reason you answered c is because it is fucking impersonal as shit. emoticons do not have the ability yet to cover the entire range of verbal and visual human expression. why sit there and listen to your newly ex-girlfriend sob on the phone uncontrollably? why be face to face and actually see the tears streaming down her cheeks, begging for just one more chance? to prove you really don’t give a fuck, you can multitask and jerk off to some porno while you tell her, enjoying your newly single meat bat.

guess what happens when your entire relationship is based on text? are you even a human being? are they? this is where i’m positive most internet snitches are born. as much as you can dehumanize war by firing missiles x miles away through a tv screen, people can do really weird shit when you put the screws to them (e.g. threaten to take their kids, beat their dog, take all the ice out of their ice tray and not refill it). when the details of my case and the surrounding cases finally got out, it was insane to see who said what. luckily, i was always honest about my own level of involvement, and so the hammer didn’t fall very hard.

nowadays, i like to meet people in person that i work with or get personal with if it is practical. i believe there is a different level of attachment that develops once you learn someone’s voice and mannerisms and you are able to visualize and hear the shit they type in your brain machine. some people are still scumbags, some people will still fuck you over, but the world is pretty cool overall.

what disappoints me the most about the sabu situation is people in glass houses shouldn’t throw rocks under their primary handle. it is reckless to endager the lives and futures of your crew mates when you already know you have too much to lose if they leverage you. if you’re really dying to get back in the game and go notorious mode, invent an entirely new personality. personally, i do not like spending my life checking my rear view mirror anymore, and i do not have the time. i have no problem chronicling the tales of internet as a bard, but i would be foolish to be engaging in fruitless activities that are just going to land me in hot water. i don’t need the notoriety anymore. i’m a song and dance man.

to reference sir hova again, i am fairly certain that jay-z no longer fields calls from his trap phone, but if a kilo of coke showed up on his doorstep, he wouldn’t have an issue moving it. onto the sidewalk. with a pushbroom. into jeezy’s front lawn.

if i did get sent to jail for some odd reason (conspiracy to attempt to commit conspiracy to sing about conspiracy of internet on a weekday), i might finally get some real sleep and have time to read hunger games and the harry potter series. solitary vacation! minus buttsecks.

they say the purest form of art is the graffiti on the walls of your local public bathroom. mostly comprised of jagged scribblings of dicks and short offensive poems, the fact that an artist is sharing his or her work anonymously for you to chuckle at makes it completely egoless. when anonymous people go namefag and do dirt, they paint a target on their head that is hard to shake. there is a part of me that is certain that sabu knew he was inevitably going to get rolled along with everyone else, just as i did so many years ago, because the government hates nothing more than being made to look powerless and idiotic. it really is only a matter of time before they find someone to lean on and the countdown begins.

snitching is technically the world’s second oldest profession, so it shouldn’t really come as a shock when people do it. the bible made it mad fashionable to be a tattletale, just ask judas. also, by the numbers, jesus was the greatest spammer of all time – looks like ain’t shit changed in ~2000 years.

if you’re really concerned about getting your door kicked in, don’t put all your business on front street. some couples get divorced after 30+ years of marriage – the chances of some random IRC kid fucking you over in 1/100th of the time is a billion times more likely.

i do think it is sad how the feds seemingly squeezed every last drop out of sabu like an old dishrag and THEN added insult to injury by giving the story the way they did to the media. there are some cold mofos at headquarters that obviously took the game personally.

this shit got long – volume three i will get into the why fucking with the us government is kind of dumb and counterproductive and hacker draft and hacker league and all that. i absolutely have to take a shower because i smell like a truckstop urinal and i have a busy few weeks coming up.

please do not read any further if you don’t want to be mad.

the public has the shortest most useless piece of shit memory when it comes to things like this (they missed a ton of stuff in there – that article could be a tolstoy-size behemoth). not internet, but remember henry hiil? the goodfellas snitch? dude sells paintings and mafia memorabilia now. no one gives a fuck about what he did before i was born. sabu basically just pulled a big pussy from sopranos, chummed it up with the fbi, and in a few years, people will compare it to that.

mark my words, the day sabu gets out of prison – which he probably will in a handful of years at most (if he doesn’t score probation for cooperating), he can open up lulzboat consulting, llc, sell his memoirs as a book, and start being a talking head on major news networks. the rest of the members of lulzsec will slowly filter out of jail while their newly-appointed business manager will begin shopping around their “exclusive interview for the first time as a group since sabu turned informant.” msnbc will bite, and pay $50k for the rights.

the day of the interview taping, the chairs in the studio will be angled sloping (towards stage left) in a three-by-three configuration with the back set of chairs sitting on a dark grey riser. a stalky, green-leafed plant will be placed slightly to stage left of the chairs, the camera framing only a hair outside of the rightmost edge. everyone will come in, sit down, field the standard “why did you do it? did you think of your consequences? tell me what you thought when you heard sabu ratted on you.” laugh about the good times they had, the funny chats in irc, the mishaps and bloopers like when topiary accidentally klined so and so from the ircd blahblahblahblah

it is then they announce that michael bay will be directing lulzsec: the movie and it makes billions of dollars worldwide so they make some sequels but they suck. the end.

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