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so, about last night… – my hal 9000 apple experience


i’ve been experiencing intermittent issues with my iphone 4 home button not responding as crisply as it should for some time now. a highly-documented design flaw exists where the baseplate under the home button eventually flexes and causes contacts to touch and circuits to do shit they shouldn’t be doing. up until yesterday, it had manifested itself as nothing more than a minor inconvenience, forcing me to press the home button more than necessary for the desired effect.

real quick, i want you to think about the sheer number of people in your phone. think about how many coworkers, colleagues, friends, schoolmates, relatives, drunken buddies, ex-girlfriends, server companies, roller rinks, and pizza places you have shoved in that little device. think about how many people that you have stored in your phone with the express purpose of recognizing their number so you can ignore them when they call. think about how long you’ve had some of these numbers. think about how many people in your phone may not even have the same number since you saved it. think about the world.

the iphone 3gs and iphone 4 have a wonderful feature called “voice control,” replaced by the omnipotent siri in the iphone 4s. it looks like this:
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to activate the voice control application, you simply depress the home button for a number of seconds, the phone beeps twice, and you tell the phone what you want to do – “play playlist led zeppelin”, “call dad”, etc.

last night, i was on my way to bed when my home button completely shit out on me. well, mostly shit out on me.

see, while i was sleeping, happily dreaming away the evening and morning with my iphone within forearm’s reach, the malfunctioning home button caused my iphone to randomly enter voice control mode, and my obnoxious, apnea-ridden snoring was detected as “call [executive at nbc]“, “call [random friend from third grade]“, “call [del the funkee homosapien's manager]“, “call [guy i got drunk with at a show in 2008]“, “call [girl i fucking hate]“, etc. this went on for a span of about six hours on a school night.

due to the nature of snoring and the rudimentary interpretation of speech by the iphone4, some people sadly got REPEATEDLY wardialed, only to either hear firsthand or receive a voicemail of a very tired ytcracker on the other end sawing logs. i discovered the problem upon waking up and seeing the cornucopia of missed calls from people i hadn’t talked to in years, only to view the call log and find out that I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS.

not available for comment

in short, if you have a voicemail or wonderful memory of me snoring, please share it with everyone and further my embarrassment. thank you.

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