spaceship spaceship2

my quick thoughts on litecoin/other cryptocurrencies

you know how yonder honus wagner baseball card is worth so much?

the reason it’s worth so much is no one knew anyone would give a shit about baseball cards in the 21st century.

i venture a guess that like a great deal of my friends, you lost your first wallet with x bitcoins in a hard drive crash or a format, forgot the password to your wallet, or forgot the password to the truecrypt volume your wallet was on.

with the rest of these crypto currencies, people going to be hanging onto them like 1991 topps ken griffey, jr. cards, worth like 30 cents today.

i’m high, ignore me.

i hate “artists”

i read this article:

in the article, the author is QQing about getting dogshit royalties from internet radio.

I urge all songwriters to post their royalty statements and show the world just how terrible webcasting rates are for songwriters.

The revolution will not be webcast.

* I only own 40% of the song, the rest of the band owns the other 60% so actually amount paid to songwriters multiply by 2.5 or $42.25)

** Also I am also paid a seperate royalty for being the performer of the song. It’s higher but also quite lame. I’ll post that later this week.

shut the fuck up and quit making music then.

i must have missed the meeting where the most important part of art is getting paid. you make music because you like to. if you can’t support yourself, then quit and go fuck yourself.

and who knows how many of those million plays on pandora actually led to someone buying tshirts or albums or tickets to your show?

these people aren’t exploiting you, they’re exposing you to an audience you might not normally get. it isn’t like pandora’s entire revenue stream comes from that one song being played a million times. what a maroon.

why the display of power glove in north korea is important

reuters has this article on deck: South Korea police investigating server outages at major TV networks

i believe that chinese and american hackers are about to square off but using korea as the battleground. it is going to be part dickflex, part wargame, but basically china is going to stomp the US. everything the chinese do to flex on south korean infrastructure (one of the most wired countries on the planet), the americans and south koreans will not be able to counter, or counter poorly. the chinese will prove their point that they are the superior hacking race. if i am dead in the next few days for spilling this secret, you all know to march on the capital and demand justice.

i also think EA purposely screwed with simcity because they were paid by the north koreans to become more hated than they are.

spam university: what is contact mailing?

today’s post is about a little thing in the spam game known as “contact mailing.” i don’t really know what the colloquial layman’s term is for “contact mailing”, but trap stars on the internet like myself refer to it as contact mailing, and we are never wrong.

the statute of limitations on talking about the specifics of this attack are probably up, and i’m certain most of civilian internet has been affected by it in one way or another by now. i just had a weird example cross my desk recently, making my gears turn a little bit. i was thusly inspired to write this piece of grease for your niece.

“sir, why is contact mailing exist?”

the spam game is constantly mired by many things, one of which is referred to as “rates” or “rate limiting.” simply put, most systems have a series of throttle controls coded into their lifeblood that prohibit sensitive actions from being automated. for instance, you may only be able to register x amount of accounts from one IP address in an hour before being banned, or you can only send x friend requests from an account in an hour before you can’t add anymore. the rate limits usually assume no human being with good intentions would ever hit a rate limit over the normal course of usage, so most people aren’t affected by them. nine times out of ten, joe user is simply presented with a turing test (commonly a CAPTCHA) where they prove they aren’t a machine and continue doing whatever.

the most important rate limit that led to the birth of widespread contact mailing was the throughput of seasoned accounts vs. generated accounts. a freshly generated yahoo/gmail/whatever account can generally only send a relative handful of emails before every attempt is met with a CAPTCHA or the account stops sending mails outright. in some cases, the accounts are automatically terminated by the system for egregious spamming the planet, lowering your 100k brand new, indian-purchased gmails into the earth’s warm crust.

seasoned (and sometimes merely aged) accounts generally have better rates because they’ve been around the internet for a while and are trusted by both the receiving and sending systems to not be inundating the world with viagra offers and home business opportunities on a regular basis. an account that has been around for a minute that only sends a few “fwd: fwd: fwd: fwd: FW: look at this!” a year is going to have a decent track record by default. seasoned accounts are thereby blessed with a little more leeway by the algorithms that determine how many chain letters you can send in a day. think of seasoned accounts like a spammer’s fossil fuels – they are a limited resource that takes a great deal of time, pressure, and dead dinosaurs to form.

most spammers (including myself) do not have the forethought or patience to generate a million gmail accounts one year ago and have them all holding benign conversations with each other so that one day in the near future they may unleash the holy fury of a thousand alan ralskys on the land. because of this, there is only one surefire source of seasoned accounts…


your account. and your account, and your account, and your account.

since you use the same password on that handbag forum as you do on your yahoo, paypal, and pinterest accounts, and i bought the decrypted handbag forum’s database off a seedy russian hacker clan, i now can use your email account to send 100x what i could off of a generated account before meeting inevitable stoppage and/or termination.

“sir, what this have do with address book?”

the initial advantage to using these stolen/seasoned/aged accounts was merely one of deliverability in terms of quantity. messages were less likely to hit the spam filters from these older accounts, and more of the messages would be sent before the account was flagged as being a spam station. for the most part, you would still be employing a “spray and pray” campaign, loading and spamming lists that were harvested or targeted for a specific vertical.

eventually, some crude heuristics were applied to determine if these seasoned accounts were compromised. if a seasoned account is suddenly sending hyperlinks to a bunch of people they’ve never sent email to before, it is fairly easy to deduce if that behavior is uncharacteristic by examining the past actions of that account holder; usually no sober person gets on their computer at two in the morning and starts sending articles on diet pills to batches of 5-7 random people.

this is the genesis of contact mailing.

while a person is certainly less inclined to send random dingleberries a trove of hyperlinks unprovoked, they have no qualms about bombing their friends, relatives, and coworkers with pictures of cats, links to youtube, and unfunny political jokes. this type of behavior is hard to pin down programmatically as abnormal, and therefore it beats the rate limits and inbox restrictions that spammers despise. also, people tend to trust emails more that come from people they know, increasing opener rates and, by extension, potential sales.

“sir, what are different type of contact mail?”

aside from the raw, uninventive link blast to a person’s address book, i’ve seen two core types of effective contact mailing. one is difficulty level: thin, rich second cousin and the other is difficulty level: stranded nigerian.

difficulty level: thin, rich second cousin
the thin, rich second cousin seemingly emails his/her contact list about how you “just have to try this brand new hollywood diet home based business opportunity that is more effective than p90x and whitens your teeth brighter than any electronic cigarette you’ve seen before it.” because it is your second cousin, this isn’t just some passing recommendation like you would get off of a billboard. this testimonial is coming straight from someone you know and not the margins of a magazine ad or an infomercial. this is why it is profitable.

the odd thing is that traditionally spammable adult products like dating and pornography are terrible to market in this fashion because for some reason getting an email from your grandma about how she is naked on camera and to join her now because her libido is heightened due to a magical pill she is having express mailed right to her doorstep for $19.99 a month isn’t nearly as appealing.

difficulty level: stranded nigerian
this much more nefarious version appeals to your heartstrings. this variation can manifest itself in a plethora of ways, but the most common i’ve seen is that [second cousin, boss, grandson] is stranded overseas with no passport and needs $x wired to a local friend named [nigerian prince name] to get home. this method could be spun into any variety of related scams like “my mom is sick with gingivitis we need paypal donations here” or “the kids don’t have presents for labor day please help us.” like most 419 scams, their grammar is usually too terrible to warrant a significant threat to a reasonably intelligent person. whether or not it is quantifiably more “moral” than using your great aunt’s account to pitch skin cream she never used is debatable, but i think this type of scam tends to be a little scummier.

“sir, why are you tell this story now?”

one of the stark disadvantages of strict contact mailing is the fact that each compromised account naturally has a limited number of contacts whereas, when blasting raw lists, the sky is the limit. this means that in order to be effective when contact mailing, you need a gargantuan heaping pile of phished/hacked/cracked accounts to make it profitable, aka somewhere in the millions. when you have millions of anything, you can’t easily go through each individual item and scrutinize its intrinsic value or rarity, unless it’s pokemon or m:tg cards, and you happen to be incredibly neurotic, like me.

due to my nomadic choice of class in the MMORPG of earth, my own email address book contains a smattering of a/b/c-list celebrities, high-flying businessfolk, and important internet luminaries. recently, a decently connected, tech-savvy dude i know happened to broadcast a message that clearly wasn’t him to everyone in his address book, myself included. this dude’s address book and inbox probably read like a forbes and entertainment weekly who’s who, and the people using his account to spam off of probably will never know the amazing treasures they just ran into davy jones’s locker.

in short, consider yourself lucky that most spammers i know are lazy potheads that just love money and don’t give a shit about your fancy address books or who is in them.

to learn more about spamming and hacking the gibson, please feel free to listen to my ever-growing catalogue of music. toodaloo.

happy new year!

it is 2013. many changes have occurred since year 1, like internet.

i will be making many resolutions this year, but i will be honoring zero of them.

this is my bandcamp. it has a thing on it.

ytcracker and hairetsu – wllt ep

i didn’t even blog about this album existing because i am a shitty person.

anyway, we shot this shitty video and i did a shitty job editing and directing it. you can see when i am rapping my first verse at the beginning me and steve are laughing, so i obviously took my job seriously.

the song is about john stamos and his career as an astronaut and professional gamer.

it is also on spotify.
or pirate it.
the album is on youtube. try it before you buy it.
then delete it.
then redownload it because you forgot how bad it was.

i really need to overhaul this website’s content one day when mania gets the better of me and i feel like wasting the universe’s energy on entropic gibsoning of mine own space vehicles. it is too bad i am a bipolar mess and vomit internet. gingerbread cookies.

in ad 2012, race war was beginning (all your race are belong to us)

warning: this will offend you and probably ruin my career forever, so put your hater blockers on. anyone who quotes portions of this entry out of context will make me look like a piece of shit.

“We exist without skin color,
without nationality, without religious bias… and you call us criminals.”

the mentor, “the conscience of a hacker/hacker’s manifesto”, 1986

if you read any thread on the internet these days, you wouldn’t believe that quote for a second – everyone has been called a nigger at least once by 2012 on the internet. twice if you’ve ever played xbox live.

the trayvon martin story is a serious tragedy, but none of us were there. i believe neil degrasse tyson (who is a black guy, so he must be a criminal) once said something to the effect of “in scientific dealings, eyewitness testimony is the fucking LAST thing you want to listen to, yet in a court of law, you can put a man to death with it.” the jew-run media is obviously trying to incite a race war here.

no, motherfucker. you see how malevolent text can be? sticks and stones ARE breaking fucking bones over words and shit and everyone is losing sight of the fact that there is a dead child and a hispanicy-white guy getting raked over the coals – those are the only real facts at this point. it is spilling over into trademarks and marches and hoodies and partisan garbage and racial divisiveness.

real racism is ugly. fake racism is hilarious. harmless stereotypes are funny because they are mostly true. my grandmother is hawaiian-chinese and talks in the third person. asians suck at driving, they are good at math, and they are cheap. my other grandfather was half choctaw indian. sadly, he didn’t gamble or drink heavily, so he was a pretty shitty indian (feather, not dot).

therefore, i am a shitty whitey cracker. i’m barely half “white”. basically, if my daughter marries a hispanic african, my grandchild will be the fifth element. also, i am glad white people raped and pillaged my ancestors – if they didn’t, i wouldn’t have gotten an iphone. hell, my fourth and fifth cousins are assembling the damn things in china. it takes the whole fucking world to build a world.

i have a feeling that people who spend most of their lives on the internet are desensitized to the whole race thing. since the invention of boats, we’ve been circumnavigating the world and fucking the ethnicity out of each other, which is awesome. i judge people on the content of their character, not what ____ they are. if you’re a piece of shit, you’re a piece of shit, plain and simple. shit, i know more white criminals than any other race (sup madoff/banking industry holla y’all i see you i ain’t forgot).

yes, real racism sucks. however, i am enough “ethnic” by weight that i could probably open a casino AND a laundromat with government assistance. put down the pitchforks, cut the bullshit, and just fuck each other until our ethnicities are so diluted that comedians will have nothing to talk about in the future. amen.

addendum – if you ain’t listening to me, LISTEN TO GOD HIMSELF ON THIS ONE:

tl;dr some controversial shiz and how it relates to the state of the union volume three

this is the conclusion to my armchair philosopherizing here and here.

the only reason i am even writing this article now is because i find myself wide awake with no more articles to read or porn to jerk off to. when the internet lets you down, you must create OC. such is laws of internet.

russia and china are playing for keeps. their gibson hackers have huge ties in criminal and governmental organizations that go harder than amway’s dopest pyramid. some of these guys get recruited under threat of death to themselves or family and basically have to hack for their life – markedly different than this hollywoodified version of hacker recruiting:

if you know that scene, we can be best friends. it is like, my biggest fantasy ever, aside from a 20yr old hacking, cracking angelina jolie.

hollywood doesn’t even have it right though. we (as americans, or the “west”) are not snapping up our best and brightest hax0rs with promises of blowjobs. as fucked up as you might think the western governments are, i haven’t heard of any of my hacker buddies getting threatened with death or put on a 3 grains of rice diet in exchange for their services. i’m pretty sure israel is putting in work just because that’s how they roll, but aside from them, everyone else is clowning the shit out of computer criminals.

we live in a shitty world with borders and state secrets and governments and tentacle porn and 4chan. my mother’s vagina excreted me onto this soil called the united states of america, and by virtue of birth, the imaginary lines drawn long before i got here make me an american. in my lifetime, i would love to see a world with no borders or nations, but i highly doubt that is possible. we must recognize that these borders exist and people run these collections of imaginary lines – some are giant shitheads and others are just plain shitheads. it takes a collection of shitheads to run a government, because anyone who isn’t a shithead (other than ron paul) wants nothing to do with ruling people. XOR.

before i say anything that could be labeled as incendiary, let me say that i deal with russians and chinese people in business fairly frequently and they’re cool and fucking intelligent as hell. as most wars go throughout history, it is a bunch of powerful people sending a bunch of regular people who don’t really give a fuck into harm’s way.

and anyone currently on team infosec here in the western world, i want to be like robin williams in good will hunting – hug you tightly and tell you it’s not your fault. it’s not your fault. it’s not your fault. it’s not your fault.

anyway, you have a motivated and determined populace on the eastern hemisphere fucking BEATING DOWN everything we have here in america. we are already supremely understaffed and undermanned to counter these threats because the government would rather embarrass and humiliate hackers than put them to work. we do not have the best and brightest sitting in these chairs because to think like a criminal, you sadly have to be a pretty good criminal to begin with.

this causes a negative feedback loop because every time someone from inside these imaginary lines decides to fuck with something inside the same lines, those morons have to wheel their chairs around and contend with a domestic threat when they SHOULD be watching outwards. when they catch the guy embarrassing them in their backyard, they kick his dick in the dirt, throw him in jail, and laugh about it.

the russians and chinese are not playing by the same rules, nor are they playing the same game. they will gladly pluck someone from the minors and go ham on their fam. their talent pool is growing rapidly, and while i don’t agree with the methodology, the truth is this is real life. it isn’t like physics class with frictionless pulleys and massless blocks – this is real deal holyfield captain america shield.

which is why i think kicking america in their exposed genitals probably isn’t the best approach for my fellow countrymen. until one side makes a mea culpa and realizes the pointless nature of this internal strife, we are destined for failure. were going to get lapped up by people with more of a sense of nation-based community, falsely attributed or not.

p.s. i might have gotten busted jerking off on the couch earlier. i jerk off entirely too much, but i am from the internet, so fuck you. i am embarrassed. not. maybe a little.

i am going to click publish now before proofreading or anything. sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite, etc.

tl;dr wisdumb, science of snitching, and the state of the union volume two

continuing on from this post.

i feel the need to prefix this post with an insight into my moral fabric and belief system, which may shock and disturb some readers/fans/countrymen. i think there are a great deal of you who would actually agree with me in private, but i understand you have to be as brave as ron paul and as apathetic as honey badger in this crazy world we’re living in, get money.

i am going to be 30 this year. within my immediate generation, say, +/-6 revolutions around the sun, we have gotten to witness entire technologies (consumer and otherwise) that we grew up with (some of which at the time were huge game changers) live and die (and maybe get replaced) in only a handful of years. i honestly think that we are the first generation in history to experience this level of aggressive replacement, and within the next x years, we should be able to determine whether or not the next generation is going to usurp the title. for example:

the quick death of consumer communication devices -
cordless house phone -> numeric pager -> zach morris phone -> text pager -> tricked out nokia with blinky antenna and battery -> two-way pager -> sidekick -> blackberry -> iphone

i haven’t had a land line in over 10 years – i still had a two-way ~’03ish, but to make a quick point, this song (two-way freak) by three 6 mafia came out in 2001. the beat sampled the main “ringtone” on the two-ways we had (case mod different colors, clear, black, red, whatever) and the whole song is about a broad who is always bothering them memphis boys with “sexting” pre-texting.

the problem with the two-way pager is the cool factor of owning one was already out by the time most of the general public had heard of it. if i had a graph for the lifetime of fads in hiphop, i would say the two-way pager lasted slightly longer than iced out grills, but a moderate distance short of spinners.

the slow death of video formats in my lifetime:
betamax -> vhs -> laserdisc -> vcd -> dvd -> hddvd/bluray

some of these technologies just won’t die a quick death, but you get the picture. this shit applies to storage media, computing power, the dopeness of flatscreens, fucking everything.

in the top progression, think about the true leap in international infrastructure and design and programming and implementation from cordless house phone to iphone and then realize that ALL happened within a 30 year timespan. mindblowing.

it goes beyond purely an oversimplification of moore’s law (“‘technology gets exponentially more baller and shit with time.’ – carver mead” – michael scott) because technology has indirectly shaped everything from how we communicate with each other to our collective sense of humor. according to a bunch of smart people who write papers about stuff, my daughter and i are actually at opposite ends of the same generation. we both love adventure time and laugh at a lot of dumb internet memes together and marathon 5 second cat videos.

i had a friend that was in jail (among other things that kept him from internet) for about seven years who came to visit me. this video “shut up woman get on my horse” was freshly crusher hot off the presses. i was watching it and fucking died laughing. my friend sat there like :-|. fuck him, i still think it is hilarious, and most anyone from internet 2.0 thinks it’s hilarious.

let’s get back on topic – how does all this relate to snitching on your boys, etc.?

two quick caveats:
1. i am not, and have never been, a snitch. pull my street credit report, my net credit report, my case files, interview anyone i have worked with, friends, enemies, ex-lovers, stuffed animals, past and present. under 99%* of circumstances, i don’t advocate tattling on anyone to law enforcement because the potential long term consequences to that person’s life for whatever their offense might be can spiral out of control in the hands of the judicial system. i haven’t ever hated anyone to that extent.
* if 2012 jay-z came home from trader joe’s with his arms full of groceries and walked up to his front door only to find it flung wide open, his grammies and his belly dvd missing, and his living room covered in a sea of broken glass, what do you think he would do? would he drop the groceries on his cobblestone walkway, yank his cell phone from his rocawear jacket, furiously dialing bleek and freeway to “tool up, we dustin’ for prints/maybe the burglar left some evidence?” maybe 1988 jay-z would, but we are grown ass men now. i’m filing a police report and claiming it on my insurance, like a real boy.
2. i find that motive, intent, and context are so key to fully understanding a situation that they are inseparable from it. killing someone in cold blood is way different than killing someone to protect your family, just as stealing for a cheap thrill is different from stealing to feed your family. everything is justifiable in someone’s head as long as they have a good excuse, and everything is reprehensible to someone who has a good reason.

one of the greatest luxuries my generation stumbled into was the ability to completely interact with another human being using nothing but text. you can forge long lasting friendships, find the love of your life, discuss hobbies and interests – whatever – without ever even seeing their face or hearing their voice. they could be halfway across the globe, taking a massive, runny shit in their kitchen sink, and unless they expressly told you that’s where they were and what they were doing at the time, you would have no idea.

the flip side of that coin is they can also lie and tell you “hey i just filled my kitchen sink to the brim with human excrement p.s. i live inside a volcano in a secret lair guarded by killer norwegians” and it is your choice to believe them or not. it is your choice to pics or gtfo. it is your choice to talk to this person.

when breaking up with a significant other, what is the most chicken shit but low impact way to let them know you hate them and it is over?
a) in person
b) on the phone
c) some visual form of words from the english language

the reason you answered c is because it is fucking impersonal as shit. emoticons do not have the ability yet to cover the entire range of verbal and visual human expression. why sit there and listen to your newly ex-girlfriend sob on the phone uncontrollably? why be face to face and actually see the tears streaming down her cheeks, begging for just one more chance? to prove you really don’t give a fuck, you can multitask and jerk off to some porno while you tell her, enjoying your newly single meat bat.

guess what happens when your entire relationship is based on text? are you even a human being? are they? this is where i’m positive most internet snitches are born. as much as you can dehumanize war by firing missiles x miles away through a tv screen, people can do really weird shit when you put the screws to them (e.g. threaten to take their kids, beat their dog, take all the ice out of their ice tray and not refill it). when the details of my case and the surrounding cases finally got out, it was insane to see who said what. luckily, i was always honest about my own level of involvement, and so the hammer didn’t fall very hard.

nowadays, i like to meet people in person that i work with or get personal with if it is practical. i believe there is a different level of attachment that develops once you learn someone’s voice and mannerisms and you are able to visualize and hear the shit they type in your brain machine. some people are still scumbags, some people will still fuck you over, but the world is pretty cool overall.

what disappoints me the most about the sabu situation is people in glass houses shouldn’t throw rocks under their primary handle. it is reckless to endager the lives and futures of your crew mates when you already know you have too much to lose if they leverage you. if you’re really dying to get back in the game and go notorious mode, invent an entirely new personality. personally, i do not like spending my life checking my rear view mirror anymore, and i do not have the time. i have no problem chronicling the tales of internet as a bard, but i would be foolish to be engaging in fruitless activities that are just going to land me in hot water. i don’t need the notoriety anymore. i’m a song and dance man.

to reference sir hova again, i am fairly certain that jay-z no longer fields calls from his trap phone, but if a kilo of coke showed up on his doorstep, he wouldn’t have an issue moving it. onto the sidewalk. with a pushbroom. into jeezy’s front lawn.

if i did get sent to jail for some odd reason (conspiracy to attempt to commit conspiracy to sing about conspiracy of internet on a weekday), i might finally get some real sleep and have time to read hunger games and the harry potter series. solitary vacation! minus buttsecks.

they say the purest form of art is the graffiti on the walls of your local public bathroom. mostly comprised of jagged scribblings of dicks and short offensive poems, the fact that an artist is sharing his or her work anonymously for you to chuckle at makes it completely egoless. when anonymous people go namefag and do dirt, they paint a target on their head that is hard to shake. there is a part of me that is certain that sabu knew he was inevitably going to get rolled along with everyone else, just as i did so many years ago, because the government hates nothing more than being made to look powerless and idiotic. it really is only a matter of time before they find someone to lean on and the countdown begins.

snitching is technically the world’s second oldest profession, so it shouldn’t really come as a shock when people do it. the bible made it mad fashionable to be a tattletale, just ask judas. also, by the numbers, jesus was the greatest spammer of all time – looks like ain’t shit changed in ~2000 years.

if you’re really concerned about getting your door kicked in, don’t put all your business on front street. some couples get divorced after 30+ years of marriage – the chances of some random IRC kid fucking you over in 1/100th of the time is a billion times more likely.

i do think it is sad how the feds seemingly squeezed every last drop out of sabu like an old dishrag and THEN added insult to injury by giving the story the way they did to the media. there are some cold mofos at headquarters that obviously took the game personally.

this shit got long – volume three i will get into the why fucking with the us government is kind of dumb and counterproductive and hacker draft and hacker league and all that. i absolutely have to take a shower because i smell like a truckstop urinal and i have a busy few weeks coming up.

please do not read any further if you don’t want to be mad.

the public has the shortest most useless piece of shit memory when it comes to things like this (they missed a ton of stuff in there – that article could be a tolstoy-size behemoth). not internet, but remember henry hiil? the goodfellas snitch? dude sells paintings and mafia memorabilia now. no one gives a fuck about what he did before i was born. sabu basically just pulled a big pussy from sopranos, chummed it up with the fbi, and in a few years, people will compare it to that.

mark my words, the day sabu gets out of prison – which he probably will in a handful of years at most (if he doesn’t score probation for cooperating), he can open up lulzboat consulting, llc, sell his memoirs as a book, and start being a talking head on major news networks. the rest of the members of lulzsec will slowly filter out of jail while their newly-appointed business manager will begin shopping around their “exclusive interview for the first time as a group since sabu turned informant.” msnbc will bite, and pay $50k for the rights.

the day of the interview taping, the chairs in the studio will be angled sloping (towards stage left) in a three-by-three configuration with the back set of chairs sitting on a dark grey riser. a stalky, green-leafed plant will be placed slightly to stage left of the chairs, the camera framing only a hair outside of the rightmost edge. everyone will come in, sit down, field the standard “why did you do it? did you think of your consequences? tell me what you thought when you heard sabu ratted on you.” laugh about the good times they had, the funny chats in irc, the mishaps and bloopers like when topiary accidentally klined so and so from the ircd blahblahblahblah

it is then they announce that michael bay will be directing lulzsec: the movie and it makes billions of dollars worldwide so they make some sequels but they suck. the end.

tl;dr sabu is a bad neighbor and the state of the union volume one

please comment on fb or hit me on twitter or blog reply or smoke signal if you have anything to add or refute or hate or blank.
thank you in advance for bearing with the tl;dr:

if you’ve spent any time at all on the internet the past week, chances are you heard about sabu of lulzsec allegedly pulling a sammy “the bull” gravano (v2) on his shipmates. to what extent the allegations are true against him i cannot say with certainty, but i do think a lot of how the story is being reported in general has a ridiculous subtext. the pictures of him plastered all over the internet and on the news are seriously the most ridiculous pictures of a human being (aside from a crunk lindsay lohan) i have ever seen. doesn’t sabu have a senior yearbook photo that he dressed nicely for? holding a soccer ball? leaning on a tree? even child molesters get the decency of a jail-produced mugshot to go along with their 5 o’clock news story. if i am wrong, correct me, but i don’t think i have ever seen a news agency find the most unflattering duckface selfshot picture of a murder suspect and run the shit 24/7 as a constant punchline. it has gotten to the point where gizmodo .au ran a story today discussing sabu being a bad neighbor, detailing sabu’s late night karaoke rap sessions (which we’ve all done, let’s be real) and erratic sleeping habits. this is hard hitting investigative reporting here, folks.

regardless of the schadenfreude you are deriving from watching sabu get level 99 humiliated for violating bro code, you need to be cognizant of how the average civilian internalizes and interprets the manner in which anonymous/antisec/hackers/OWS/etc. are reported on by the media. try to place yourself john malkovich style in the head of the elderly lady you know at country buffet who smells like mothballs and bingo, or the janitor at your elementary school, or the guy on the riding lawnmower circling your college campus. pick a random person off the street and dive into their domepiece. let us role play for a minute like some real nerds…

larping go hard in the paint

now that you are in this stranger’s head, objectively speaking, watch or think back to a recent video clip interspersed with images of this scary, terroristlike shadow organization ominously named anonymous flooding your city streets. doesn’t anonymous look like a herd of pasty, awkward, harmless neckbeards with a penchant for wearing clown masks? why are they wielding signs with unintelligible slogans? why do they wear those masks anyway? then who was phone?

moderate digression re: OWS-esque thing:
when you can’t sell a middle-class, average american on ideas like effective corporate governance or equal protection and punishment for everyone under the law (regardless of what fortune 500 bank you ran into the ground), there is a high probability something is wrong with your presentation or sales pitch. to put it bluntly, if you went to my uncle’s/neighbor’s/ex-wife’s/librarian’s house in a guy fawkes mask or ratty felt overcoat and you smelled like a microwaved fart, you could be handing out free gold bars and double-doubles complete with animal style fries and an ice cold fountain drink from in-and-out(tm) but you are not going to be well received based on your choice of uniform. zombie goatse for president 2012.

presently, the most recognizable face and figure of antisec is now a snitching, disloyal, “28 year old unemployed father of two” who is a shitty, obnoxious, loud neighbor – i feel it is also *strongly* implied that he has no IRL friends to take pictures of him or to take pictures with so the only photos that exist of him EVER are myspace selfshots that look like a 13 year old girl’s photo booth reel. this shit is fucking embarrassing – the apparently driving (and, on paper, incredibly meaningful) ethos of the internet generation is being marginalized and caricatured by the theater of public opinion.

to a degree, the same shit happened in the 60s to the hippie movement – decent enough message, good intentions, friendly faces everywhere, but very poorly executed. i can prove it to you very easily with a simple mentalist-style magic trick in 2012:

1. click inside the address bar of your browser.
2. delete everything there so that you’re staring at a blank textbox with a blinking cursor, eagerly awaiting your input.
3. envision and imaginate a stereotypical hippie in your head.
4. quickly type out the first three descriptive words about your imagination hippie that come to mind.

no cheating!
p.s. if you self-identify with the term “hippie”, my predictions may be wrong.

through my infinite, boundless, and borderless psychic powers, i posit the following:

1. “heroic”, “brave”, and/or their synonyms are not in your address bar
2. “victorious”, “triumphant”, and/or their synonyms are not in your address bar
3. the word “revolutionary” or anything remotely like it is not in your address bar
4. no words about drastically altering the dynamics of the military industrial complex of the united states of america are in your address bar.
5. no positive comments about your hippie’s personal hygiene are in your address bar.
6. there is a high probability you imagined your hippie wearing a tie-dye shirt.
7. there is a high probability at least two out of your three words would not be considered societally positive qualities.
8. if “peace”, “love”, and another non-adjective, non-adverb are the three words in your address bar, you didn’t follow directions.

no javascript trickery or spoon bending needed on those psychic predictions. you are also a terrible and sick person for imagining a hippie WITH YOUR OWN BRAIN and then immediately marginalizing his or her accomplishments as a freedom fighter for truth and justice.

if my point is not clear, i am fairly certain that if you were to close the log books and author the history of OWS/anonymous/antisec as a common bystander right now, based on the nature of the coverage by the media and public perception, you could ask kids born today in fifteen years to describe a stereotypical anon with three words and chances are none of the words will be noble or accurate in the context of what the movement itself actually purports to do.

i suppose “chaotic”, “terrifying”, and “hypermnesic” work. also, punctual, because you can expect them.

the best advice i can give is to jack whatever swag che guevara had because whatever he did branded him hard.

surprise challenge: find me a picture or a video of a media-blitzed, “notorious/scary/_____” “hacker” who is NOT (circa time of arrest) portrayed as:
a) a megalomaniac (lol megauploadmaniac)
b) hopelessly neurotic and paranoid
c) an awkward, antisocial “loser”
d) any combination of the above
hardmode: IS conventionally attractive
godmode: IS american

welcome back. i trust you searched far and wide for years on the internet to satisfy my challenge, but have come up empty. for comparison, even mass murderer ted bundy got his props for how well he spit game at the broads HE FUCKING MURDERED AND ATTEMPTED TO MAYBE ALMOST MURDER – look how they put “ladies man” in quotation marks in the header of this article about julian assange. where’s the ONE SINGULAR article about the debonair, joseph-gordon-levitt-looking, nop-sliding, botnet-running, shell-programming, call-of-duty-pistol-popping, suave-swag captain of the irc universe? shit, at this point, i will settle for the mildly-confident, barely-chubby, haley-joel-osment-looking, havij-grinding, source-compiling, neatly-parted-hair second lieutenant of the limewire galaxy, as long as he is portrayed as a relatively normal member of the animal kingdom. it isn’t 1976 anymore – personal computers and heaps of other great nerd-produced gadgets are everywhere now.

i know you’re out there somewhere, you fucking gorgeous blackhat hunk of leet man meat.
hurry up and get busted already!

then when they raid you, have nothing but sex tapes with gorgeous models on your hard drive. the only photo on your mobile phone that is work-safe enough to put on primetime television is you drinking fine champagne in the penthouse of the bellagio (pinky extended) with a grizzly bear, noam chomsky, tom brady, oprah, and neil degrasse tyson.

are “evil” internet people the least photogenic and societally clueless people in the world? are possessing the above traits a prerequisite before the ultra supreme council of hax0rs will issue you your hacking and mayhem license? are all of the hyper-attractive, relatively “normal” internet troublemakers given “get out jail free” cards? conspiracy.

this is the statement i popped on the #antisec video:

**UPDATE 2012.03.09**
i may indeed be the first rapper in history to endorse a suspected internet snitch. evidence is somewhat overwhelming for it to be simply a disinformation campaign, but, personally, i believe the truth is somewhere in the middle. i will discuss some of my thoughts on

i sadly will probably retire this song in its current form from my live performances just because i can’t in good conscience rap about this until the grieving period has passed and this song becomes vintage and cute again.

kind of like jokes about the spanish inquisition being funny now but they weren’t very funny in the years circa 1478-1834 (yes, i did wikipedia this).

we now return to your regularly scheduled video information.

for volume two (which i already have mostly typed), i will go into why sabu’s actions ultimately do not surprise me and why you shouldn’t care either way, why the us government treats their hacker buddies with questionable manners, why the us national hacker draft is very important, and i will show you ten easy ways that you can be romantic to your girlfriend for under $10.