i bought a new ipod in january. i had this old, white 40gb that went bad, and i wanted a video one.

last week on sunday, i went to the gym. i had probably only used my ipod a total of 20 times before sunday, so i expected it to work. when i turned my ipod on, the emo ipod icon showed up with the xd out eyes like the old macs and stuff used to do. i was sad, much like the icon was. my ipod was broken.

that night, i got online and registered my product with apple. i sent them a repair request - didn’t have my receipt or anything, but they didn’t ask. it probably took me about two minutes to fill out the repair form. they said they’d holler back.

the very next day, an empty box is at my door. the box had instructions on how to return my broken ipod to ipod heaven where smart people would find out what was wrong with it, refurbish it, and give it to someone else if it was indeed bad. i followed the instructions, taped the box up and relabeled it, and it sat in my car for a couple days because i am a lazy piece of shit.

i drove by officemax and popped the box in a dhl dropoff receptacle on thursday afternoon. i bought some taco bell and shopped at target.

friday, apple tells me they have my ipod and they are investigating it. i figure i’ll get another ipod sent to me in a couple of weeks. i was wrong.

today, the dhl guy rang my doorbell at 9am and he had my new ipod already. i gave him a blowjob.

in summation, the blowjob i gave the dhl guy lasted longer than the amount of time it took apple to resolve my issue. thank you, apple.